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Robert Mugabe, King Kong & Cookie Monsta!

- The following story is a satire. It is fiction. It partly uses a calypso genre. All characters and events are fictional. Any similarities with currents events are coincidental.
Dickson Igwe. Photo: Provided
By Dickson Igwe

Mele means gossip in the story. Laugh is spelled laff, say is spelled seh, no is spelled na, want is spelled wan, them is spelled dem, of is spelled a or ah, water is spelled wata, and weh means that is. This is an attempt to mimic the old village vernacular of these Leeward Islands.

Now, Robert Mugabe is more feared than loved. But he has begun his charm offensive to reverse that ominous political equation. He fully understands the assertion made by the political philosopher, Niccolo Machiavelli, in the early 1500s, that in a principality, or in politics, "even though it is better to be feared than loved, the love of the people is the safe fortress of the prince."

And yes, once upon a time, the TOUGH WARRIOR of the rolling hills, and green countryside, of these Leeward Antilles, had a permanently serious face, and a grave disposition. The man was unapproachable.  

Today, Mugabe has made a 360 degree turnaround, it would seem. Mugabe now sports a permanently winning smile. There is a magical sparkle in his eyes. Mugabe has a spring in his step, and a grace and joy in his demeanor.  He is aging well.  It is even a pleasure chatting with the man on the street. What a change! But will the people come to love him? That is a billion dollar question!

Another thing: Mugabe appears to have that smile permanently fixed on his face these days. And to such an extent that even Mugabe’s well groomed moustache appears upwardly curved at both ends. No one knew Mugabe was so good looking, until very recently, because he appeared to be always frowning! What a revelation!

Now, that mele woman CONSUELA the SWEETIE, and she best buddy, MARTIN MELETIC, dem two, bring IGWE the MELE LOVER a new piece a mele the other day.

MISS GOSSIPY bring a prize slice of juicy gossip. Consi seh that many power players in these volcanic formations called the Lesser Antilles are fearful of Mugabe. And they are more than ready to do whatever it takes to prevent the NEW OPPOSITION STRONGMAN from planting his rock hard posterior on the ultimate seat of political power beginning 2016: in other words, to ensure that the seat of ultimate political authority in these Lesser Antilles never finds Mugabe’s muscular behind.

There appears to be a coming together of different forces to prevent the GUERILLA KING and rider of that LEGENDARY JACK ASS, ZIMBABWE, from taking power. Will they succeed? Only time will tell! The prediction is this one: every move of political music chairs from now until late 2015 will be a game of how to stop the ascendance of Robert Mugabe to the pinnacle of political power. Mugabe drives the narrative for now. Full stop.

Apparently, KEY HONCHOS in the game called power, from all political camps, cannot stomach the thought, of Mugabe ruling the roost at that all powerful administration complex, sitting on that gigantic blue armchair, behind a vast mahogany desk, with Martin Meletic bringing in his tray of coffee and the day’s mele, while Joe Shoeshine polishes his shoes. And all the while, a host of bureaucrats hover around for that critical opportunity to kiss MUGABE’S behind.

And even many in his own camp fear the NEW KING KONG. They know that with Mugabe on the throne, they will either toe the line or line the toe. In plain language, Mugabe is a no nonsense leader: a tough cookie indeed. Dem seh that why the OLD KING na want Mugabe in charge. Mugabe the one man weh na fraid the OLD KING. And the gossip in the all knowing outhouse and whorehouse is that Mugabe is no longer concerned about the antics of the OLD KING and QUEEN to hold on to power.

That is ominous indeed for those who are not ready for a change in the outfit. But change is coming whether they like it or not. The soldiers in that powerful camp will now have to fall in line behind the GUERILLA KING of the rolling countryside, or become mere spectators in the game called power. And the majority of the troops are now comfortably in the Mugabe camp, so Consi seh, mind you! 

Now you na gon believe this next piece of mele- meh son. This newest gossip sweeter than honey! But it smell worse that $h!t. What a ting!

Now that RUMOUR MONGER, MARTIN MELETIC, him tell IGWE this big piece of MELE floating like $h!t on top toilet wata. This were by the SUNDAY MORNING WELL on Saturday night, you see. And this were truly a prize piece of mele. So open your ears my people and listen well! Dis ting don’t smell too good! But it sound real sweet!

Meletic seh, that the OLD KING KONG, bring in a BIG BAD HOMBRE for a new party of the people. This party is made up of THE ANYONE BUT MUGABE AS PREMIER BRIGADE. The Old King trying a ting you see, to try trip up Mugabe. Him bring an OLD BROOM to join dem WILD CARD in the pack. The Old King trying a ting to hold on to power. So that gang of three gon soon mek four. LAWWWWD help meh.  

And dem seh, when him henchmen bring the bad news to Mugabe, dem fraid Mugabe gon vex. That Mugabe gon pull him revolver and shoot all of dem messenger weh bring dis news to he: BANG. Dem believe Mugabe want this Terrible Hombre wid he, and wid dat REVERSE ROBIN HOOD, in Mugabe own camp.

Dem seh that instead of anger and vexation, when dem bring dis news, Mugabe eyes shine wid a brilliant light. Mugabe smile the widest smile dem see he smile as yet in dat camp. Dem seh Mugabe begin such a laughter, him ha to hold him belle weh nearly burst wid him laff. Mugabe laff so much, him fall of a him chair, and crush a fighting cock to death next to he. Dem even had to get he a drink a wata, him nearly choke wid laff. Mugabe dem seh rejoice dem tek this OLD TRICKSTER OF POLITICS from off he hands.

When dem bring the news to REVERSE ROBIN HOOD, Hood dem seh, let go one  fart, all him henchmen dem ha to dive for cover: what a ting!

Meh son, there appears to be no place for that OLD BULL, and POLITICAL FIGHTING COCK, COOKIE MONSTA in the opposition. Yes!

KING WHEELER DEALER- dem seh him rip off one foreign company for years- threaten the worker them- frighten dem wid all kinda ting because dem na from here- dem pay he big money for years under the carpet- dem seh if dem do a proper audit- it BALO he going- up the hill - is Police Commish come tek he - so dem seh mind you!

Him the CHIEF OLD BEAR of the OLD OPPOSITION: keep immigration and customs busy for years bringing in $H!T from Santo Domingo and Haiti, with him OLD FLAMES, DAMES and DABBLERS dem. Grand Dean of the Virgin Islands COLLEGE OF HYPOCRITES: men and women dem is, who preach a good word on Sunday.

They then return home to a pot of frog’s legs and Lizard intestines, add the balls of a monkey, penis of an ass, and anus of  a prize hog. And as the toxic brew sizzles, add a live fighting cock, feathers and all. After it cook, them drink the stinking broth, and wish the worse on their enemy dem.

WICKEDNESS can’t done wid dem wortless geese! Many innocent Virgin Islanders would be shocked at the number of witches and wizards sporting religious garb and breaking bread in church. NEW IMMIGRATION CHIEF tek note SIR!

And that good looking TALL BOY OF CUSTOMS, meh warn you meh good buddy. Martin seh the next coffin coming in gon contain a DEAD INDONESIA MONKEY: so watch out customs. The customs officer weh open that package, is heart attack gon tek he! Him na gon mek it!

That is COOKIE MONSTA game plan for snatching power in 2016 mind you: a dead monkey, in a casket- what a ting.

That BUSH DOCTOR throw way the people money for years, millions and millions a dollar. The last bit of foolishness him do is burn the people money on some big white tent dong yonda: home for the rat dem. That the reason Tortola infested with rats. Dem breeding like crazy in that 5 star resort for rats up there. The rats getting sweet sex in dem new luxury tent. Dem never had it so good.

One GOOGLEMASTER show Igwe a SATELLITE IMAGE of the tents. Man, them ting look awesome. It remind he of a CONCENTRATION CAMP, for rats. Dem seh, ASTRONAUT IN SPACE can’t believe dem eyes when dem set sight on dem MASSIVE TENT. Inside them see a gigantic dark moving shadow of thousands and thousands of mating rats. Them astronaut seh dem hear the disgusting squeals from space yonder. What a ting Padre. Lawwwd help these islands in the sun Hombre. Instead of food for my people, dem tent is introducing a new breed of giant rat into the FOOD CHAIN.

Yes mon! This Cookie Monsta empty the treasury on him stupid schemes. Everyting him touch is TEN TIMES the price - and more- from bridge to hospital- HIM MR STICKY FINGER- Jammin wid the public purse for years- Him de main reason the county in a foul mess today. Him never wok a day in him life: only to rip off the people dem! POL POT BUDDY! BALSAM GHUT too good for he! The Monsta even turn part a the town into a CONCRETE PARADISE- nearly drown the people dem. What a mess meh son! Who gon tek he? Not Mugabe! Or so Martin tell meh mind you!

Him one a dem three blind mice, sell off all the people islands dem to JACK BILLIONAIRE for MONKEY BUSINESS. Sell out him people dem for he lil 2 cent under the table. Talk a heap of $h!t about how him love him people! STUPES!

Na man, Mugabe na want he. CHRISTIANS PRAYING IS WHY HIM OUT TODAY: OLD HIPPO. Mek him join the other gang dem: good ting: mek it a gang of four nuh! So dem seh mind you! Na meh talking dis mele: Tis MARTIN, so don’t quote meh! CHRISTIANS KEEP PRAYING- DEM TOO DUTTY, and calling the name of JEHOVAH: shameful set of WORTHLESS ---!

Yes, the upcoming political war, save a catastrophic tsunami hitting these Antilles in late 2015, will almost certainly be a slug fest between the suave surgeon and exquisite dancer from the Road Town Aristocracy, and the hardened warrior and savvy architect, of the lush countryside. But the incumbents have a lot of time sill mind you. And time is big currency in POLITRICKS.

Or so Martin tell meh, mind you! Don’t quote meh!

To be continued...

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5 Responses to “Robert Mugabe, King Kong & Cookie Monsta!”

  • teacher john (26/10/2013, 12:54) Like (0) Dislike (0) Reply
    please write proper english
  • xxxxxxxx (26/10/2013, 18:31) Like (1) Dislike (0) Reply
    these religious zealots do not know their places...
  • hope town (27/10/2013, 18:18) Like (0) Dislike (0) Reply
    None of this is necessarily good news for the voters of the BVI. Many of us were hoping for a viable third party with some new blood. But what we got as Alvin and his recycled, politicians whose best days are long behind them. Ah well, maybe in 2019, we can always hope!

  • in the news (28/10/2013, 01:20) Like (2) Dislike (1) Reply
    As much as they resist they will have to come to the reality that Frazer is the man and will be the next premier


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